Tag Archives: crazy

The Pregnancy and Post Partum Anxiety Workbook

23 May

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Catholic wife and mom of 5 shares the primary resource that helped her on her journey of recovery from anxiety. The Pregnancy and PostPartum anxiety workbook.  Visit https://www.facebook.com/belikelilies/ on Facebook for more resources and videos. That is an affiliate link to amazon. I will receive a minor amount from your purchase.

Get your own copy right here.

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Almost a breaking point kind of moment

23 Jan

I started this blog with the thought that I’d have a place to document the crazy but funny moments in my life.  Now that I had become the mother to three children under the age of three, I knew that there would be some pretty crazy moments.  I had started to experience some of them.  I’d relate them to my husband over dinner.  In the moment I’d be close to the point of tears or going hoarse (screaming at toddlers who seem to have selective hearing), and then the moment would pass.  There’d be peace once again and I’d be able to look back and think, “ah, that was crazy and horrible but remarkably short-lived.  Wow, bravo to me for getting through it.”  Starting a blog and posting those moments and my thoughts seemed like a natural outlet.

Then we had vaccination day.

The 4th day after starting this blog, I had scheduled the 8 week appointment for the baby.  He was 9 weeks old on that day.  Normally, we choose to delay vaccinations for our kids until they are 4 months old.  I had vaccinated the first at 8 weeks because I didn’t know any better.  I vaguely remembered that day as of the 13th.  Vaccination days are tough, I knew that.  The baby would be fussy, I knew that.  We decided to go ahead and vaccinate this baby at this age because he was 5 weeks premature and I’ve read that it’d be better to vaccinate on time (based on birth age, not adjusted) due to the immature immune system.  I’m not getting into a vaccination debate or discussion here.

My husband and I arranged that he dropped me off with the baby for the appointment and he took the other two to his office for an hour or so, he’d pick me up, I’d drop him off and we’d head home.  That much worked out fine.  I was able to devote my full attention to the baby and the doctor for the appointment.  When he had his shots, I was able to apply some essential oils to his legs before and after the shots and nurse him.

For the actual shots he did fantastic!  Better than what I remembered for my first baby.  My first, it was tragic, when the shots went in he did the silent scream.  You know that horrible gasp and cry as they try to catch their breath.  Then he let out with a horrible scream and cry.  This baby did so much better.  A little bit of fussing but after holding him, he calmed down pretty quickly.

After dropping off my husband I came home and unloaded everyone else.  The baby was sleeping.  Everything seemed normal until the baby woke up.  He was in pain and very upset.  This was normal.  I remember now why we delay.  2 month olds in this much pain are UNCONSOLABLE!!!!  With my first I just got in the tub with him, it was all I could do.  With each of them, I’m sure I just wore them around the house for the whole day.

I tried with this one, I really tried.  I fed him as much as I could.  I wore him in the wrap.  He did sleep for most of the day.  But the painful crying moments were nearly more than I could handle.  WHY?  Because I have TWO OTHER CHILDREN 15 MONTHS AND NOT YET 3 YRS OLD!!!!

BOTH in diapers.  BOTH needing to be fed.  BOTH needing to be changed.  BOTH needing to be loved or reprimanded when the other just pulled some hair or pushed one down or took a toy.  ALL while the infant is screaming in the wrap on my chest.

We cloth diaper but halfway through the day I gave up on that.  When I had the screaming 9 week old against my chest while I’m changing the diaper of another on the changing table, NO WAY was I going to bother with one more thing.  Disposable diapers were coming out.  I could no longer devote my attention to the baby.

At one point I had to put the baby in the swing in our room.  I stood at the washer and drier and listened to him SCREAMING for 3 minutes while I moved the laundry.  I needed a break.  I had the desperate thought of calling a friend.  I thought maybe I could post it on facebook and someone would come over.  But then I put the baby back in the wrap and he calmed down.

After some intense screaming times, I called my husband, practically in tears myself and told him it was not a great day.  He said I might be able to pick him up early.  No one was actually crying when I called so, for that moment, it didn’t seem so bad.

Maybe I’m not describing how awful the whole day was.  Maybe it was only for about 4 hours in the afternoon, but those 4 hours were EXTREMELY TOUGH.  So bad that after dinner, I had to get out of the house.

I needed to deliver something to a friend.  I told my husband that after that, I was going to go to a bookstore with a coffee shop.  I had to do something by myself.  I had to BE by myself.  As I drove away from the house, I actually had the thought of driving to my parents house (1.25 hrs away).  I thought, “What if I was one of those women who just ran away.  It wouldn’t be for long, just the night.  That’d be OK, my husband can handle it.  There’s enough frozen breast milk for the baby.  I could hand pump………..no, I’m not really going to do that.  Keep going to the coffee shop.”  As I kept driving, I thought I saw a police car.  Another thought, “Did I do something wrong?  Will I get pulled over?  What would I do?  ‘yes, please arrest me.  Take me in.  Just provide me with a breast pump (or I’ll hand express) and I’ll get a decent night’s sleep!!!!!!!’  The baby will be fine, there’s enough frozen milk in the freezer.”

Yeppers, two, count ’em, two thoughts about spending the night away from my family.

When I recounted those thoughts to friends they said, “You need to reach out and ask for help when you have those days.”  I told them I nearly did.

When I told my husband about the ‘leaving’ thoughts I think I scared him.  He said, “But you wouldn’t” with extreme confidence as though the thought of me actually acting on those thoughts is a joke.

Why didn’t I seek out help?  Some deep need for a sense of accomplishment?  Some thought that I’d be viewed as inadequate because I couldn’t handle my own children by myself?  The thought that ‘I shouldn’t bother’ other mothers because they have little ones too?  Too proud?  Too pitiful?  Did I just want a horrible story that I could tell to others to get pity?

There are going to be shot days in the future.  There are going to be really bad-everyone screaming kind of days in the future.  I now know that with more than 2 children, all but the shot victim need to be in ANOTHER HOUSE for the duration of the day post shot.

Also, my friends are there to help.  If one is busy, I need to try another.  Taking time for myself is a GOOD thing.  Another friend as recommended going for a walk after dinner.  Not necessarily an exercise walk, but simply being outside and being alone and not touched by others for a while.  I’ve done that a few days and it’s fantastic.  I highly look forward to those walks.

I also know there are still going to be moments of crazy.  Like right now.  While writing this post I put the toddlers in their room for “quiet time.”  The 3 year old (yep, his birthday is today!) has figured out how to climb into the sister’s crib while she’s in there.  Even if I take him out, as soon as I leave the room he’s back in there.  Now they’re fussing with each other.  I just hear banging on the wall and him saying “no” to the younger one.  Time to go release the inmates.  I guess mommy’s moment of ‘quiet’ is over.